I go back to December all the time... RIP daddy

It was so magical.. Daddy was so sick from the chemo/cancer, but he ran down that ramp just to give me a big hug when I arrived to his little house in New York. This memory is so close to my heart, December is so close to my heart that the realization that it's already August hurts. It was the first time I had seen him in two years. I didn't go up to see him the last two summers like I told him I would. I didn't realize time was limited. I miss December. As I write this, my throat feels so tight as if I'm trying to talk, but I'm not. December feels like just yesterday. No December isn't the last time I saw him, but the last great moments we spent together. He passed in May.. He was laying in his.. I fricken hate this word.. death bed when the impossible happened. He opened his eyes, looked at me and said "My babys here!!" then he was out again.. then a little later he opened his eyes and mouth one more time to say "I love you too baby" to me. His last words, he layed in that bed.. and passed a few hours later. It was FRICKEN TORTURE listening to his lungs fill up with fluid and seeing him curled up because his spine was wasting away. It was fricken torture seeing his full head of hair gone to only a little. it was fricken torture watching my daddy go.. I wasn't there when it happened. My cousin was, I couldn't walk into that house at 3am to see it either and no that doesn't make me a bad person. I just couldn't go in.. He was my dad, he was gone. Instead I stood on that ramp, that ramp he limped down in December. Even in May, it was freezing. But I stood there stiff. Like I had to be some brave girl. When I was little and we'd watch the Rugrats together , we took this line that Chuckie said about going down the big kid slide "big brave dog" and used that line when I would cry. Daddy would tell me it would be OK and to be a big brave dog.. I just want it to be December again. December of 2011 again. Please let me go back in time. No, he's not suffering anymore, but he should have never had to suffer in the first place.. Daddy, I miss you :( everything was so perfect in December. My life was so perfect in December. That boy I told you about when I was visiting, and I were doing amazing in December and I got to be with you.. I got to hold your hand and give you that one last big hug promising that I would be back.. Dad, please tell me this is just one big nightmare. Please tell me ur still in that little house up there doing good waiting to watch movies with me again. Please promise me that you're going to beat lung cancer and that May 18th 2012 will never happen.. :( please. I love you.

December '11
He wore crazy doo rags to cover up his head and I wore grandmas shower cap
and this describes us. I was always his goofball. :(

If you really knew me...

So lately I've been seeing these "If you really knew me.." posts floating around Blogger! So I think I'll jump right in on this trend, because I'm a trendy person. and because it gives me something to blog about.

If you really knew me you would know...

I'm as blind as a bat. I wear contacts. Clear ones. My eye color IS my real eye color. I wear glasses before bed which rarely anybody has seen me wear until I posted this picture on Facebook...

I go through different phases with music. One moment I'll be a pop star and the next a rock star. But even so, I always seem to fall back on Country, because I'll forever be a Country gal at heart.

I drive with my windows down. I hate using the AC because I can't stand the sound. I hate the sound of the AC blowing, but when I'm trying to sleep I have to have a fan on because I love the sound. It calms me. Ha. Ha.

I'm a very independent person. I will pay for my own movie ticket and my own half of dinner unless you do it on your own. Like before I have the chance to. Basically I'll pay or take care of myself 100% on my own unless. But I do LOVE surprises (:

Although I'm independent for the most part, I'm very dependant when it comes to love and emotions. But when two people are in love, there should be no problem with that.

I'm always cold. It could be hot, but I'll be cold.

I can be very clingy with friends and relationships. I love holding hands, cuddling, linking arms. I love body heat.

I want to be very skinny and have a sexy body. I'm always hard on myself about my body image. I know I'm not big but I'm also not as small as I would like to be.

It makes me sad when people put themselves down and think their fat or ugly. I usually tell them their beautiful and perfect the way they are and I'm being honest because I think everybody is beautiful.

I sometimes have inner competitions with pretty girls that I don't know too well. I get intimidated, then I get to know them and everything is OK (:

I'm not shy or stuck up - I just don't feel comfortable broadcasting my life at first, but once I get to know you, you'll know ever detail.

I don't eat sea food of any kind. I think I'm allergic because one time I was pealing shrimp and my arm got all red and itchy. I tell people I'm allergic. But we're not going to find out if that's for sure because sea food just scares me.

I can forever eat pizza. My favorite food has always been pizza. When I was little one of my teachers at school asked the class what our favorite food was. Everyone said pizza. I said french fries because I wanted to be different. But It's always been pizza. I'm a cheep date (:

I'm a vegetarian at heart. I'll get so grossed out or even throw up if someone starts talking or making jokes about where steak, ham or pork chops come from at the table. The funny thing is, I love chicken. Which pretty much says where it comes from in the name.

As much as I'd love to be able to say I'm a runner or workout-aholic. I hate running. I hate the gym. I don't mind sweating. But repetitive movement irks me.

I would love to be a successful career woman and most likely will find some sort of career, but the thought of being a domestic housewife thrills me even more. But I still have future dreams for modeling and acting as well.

xox

Procrastination

I used to not procrastinate, in fact I can recall being in a class in High school as a teacher was trying to tell us how we all procrastinate. I raised my hand after thinking about it, saying that I don't. I didn't. If there was something to get done, it would be done. I spent a whole lot of time doing nothing after the fact , but hey there was nothing to do. Of course, High School and before were the simple days. It's so funny how when I was in High school, I would look at Elementary school as the simple days and even then I would probably look at days before being in school as the simple days! This leads me to think maybe today are simple times as well.. Because no matter how much time passes we're going to look at the past and see it as the simple days , and they were like today is. We, procrastinators just need to relearn how to use time wisely. No matter what needs to be done, get it done. OK now that that's clear.

I feel like days are slipping away lately. It's Summer time! It shouldn't feel like that. It's just lately I've felt like I've had so much to do when let's face it, I haven't been doing anything. Except of course sitting around feeling like there's so much to do and letting time slip away. At the end of the day I feel useless. A motto I live by is ''seize the day'' which reasoning's are ''you only live once.'' there might not even be a tomorrow. Obviously if there's not a tomorrow we're not gonna care whether or not we seized the day but if we don't and there are tomorrows, days are just gonna slip away which will eventually turn to years which will leave you wishing you did more. I can go on preaching why we should live today to the fullest but I wont. Just do it. Got something you have to do or want to do, just do it right now.

I really want to lose weight and have glowing skin again and I've wanted this for a while now. Where has wanting gotten me? No where. If I take action now, in a few months I'll be beautiful. Just like a few months ago, if I took action then I would have been much better. Sometimes it's hard but if you just do it , a few months will pass and you'll be much happier you did something with your time instead of regretful you didn't.

I'm saying this to both myself and to anyone in a same situation,

STOP PROCRASTINATING & JUST DO IT.

SEIZE THE DAY.

The end.

Rest in Paradise, daddy.

I think I'm so drained right now. On Friday my daddy passed away. Saying the words passed away and the "d" word hurts so bad when I say them so I've just been saying "He left" or "went away". But you probably wouldn't have known what I meant if I said that. He was the best dad ever. The best man I've ever known. His heart was so big and he was so strong. He was the funniest person ever. I took all of this for granted sometimes. It's not fair to lose a parent while your still young because your still kind of going through that phase where you think your parents are so annoying. So it leaves you regretting not answering phone calls or not laughing at jokes. I wish he would call me one more time. I'm never going to here one of his hilarious jokes again. I miss you so much daddy :( I'm never going to get over you being gone.

Mommy Loves You

This morning I woke up in tears from an awful dream that my baby girl died :( I don't want to get into details because the dream seemed so realistic that I'll cry just thinking about it again. But after I got out of bed to walk out and see her curled up in her favorite chair on the porch, I felt okay again! I love you so much Angel <33 She turns four next month. OMG my little baby is becoming ancient!! It seems like just yesterday I picked out the little oddball of the bunch! Even as a kitten she was the little wild one! After four years she still attacks my legs every chance she gets, but cuddles with me at night. After four years she still tries to run for the door every time it opens, but knows I'm not letting her go! After four years I still treat her like shes a little princess. Because she is. DUH!

 

xox

Vent Vent Vent

Forgive me if now until the 7th of April I don't post as much as you'd like me to. I will be busy working the malls Easter set on top of working my normal 33 hour week. Can you say 45+ hour work week? That's more then I've ever worked in my life. Did I mention that between all that, I plan on finding time for the gym as much as possible. Wow I'm going to be one busy lady! I think I'm on the edge of losing my cashiering job. Yikes right!? Today was the third time that I've gotten written up for my register being short. I don't know how that keeps happening. I'm always very careful when it comes to handling cash. On top of being short, my managers have made me perfectly aware that they think I'm the slacker of the group. I'm an amazing cashier, don't get me wrong. (if cashiers could be considered amazing, that's me!) But I suck at being a salesman. I suck at convincing people to upgrade to our "Plus membership". I try, I really truly do. No I haven't always tried, but lately I have been and I keep on getting rejected. Sales or not, do you know how ego crushing that is to get rejected? Oh well. I'm kind of thinking that this is a sign that maybe my time at this job is coming to an end. Maybe I should get off my butt and finally be something! I'd like to see myself staying with a company for a few years. I'd like to see myself being around my coworkers for a long time. Strengthen friendships and building long term bonds. But maybe this job isn't for me. I'm not going to quit until I have something lined up. But who knows if I'm going to be fired. But truthfully, I'm not too worried if I am. The stress from the management is unbearable and sometimes I'd like to see things getting better there, but it doesn't. You sell three upgrades one day out of luck, you're royalty. The next day, you're nothing. The slacker of the group. The one getting yelled at. The one that feels like just screaming and saying ''forget every one of you'', when all you are is the nice girl. This gentleman who works in produce told me how I'm too sweet to be a cashier in that store. How they get treated awful. It's funny how he's never cashiered there, yet he knows. I don't mean to get all Anne Frank on you guys, but I just felt like talking tonight. We all need to vent once in a while. To conclude this as of right now I'm not sure what is going to happen, I'm kind of living daily. But I can either look for another job here, look for another job in a city and move start fresh somewhere new, alone. Or I could go stay with my dad in NY for a while or I could just leave things the way they are. The first three options sound a lot better though. I wish I had the guts to leave though. I do, just will have to push myself. I just have to fill myself with ambition and optimism. Things will be okay. Bless your heart if you read this all.

Not another blogger's fairytale.

I'm the biggest fan of fairy tales and I'm the biggest fan of happy endings.

I've noticed a lot of bloggers on here post their love story - which always seems to be a fairy tale. Lucky lucky you. I've also noticed some bloggers who are "happily single" or at least make it sound that way with names like "adventures of a single gal"  (Just a random name I came up with - if this is really YOUR blog name, credit!) Then we have bloggers who are in a long term relationships. Then there's me. I'm a hopeless romantic. Blogging about my story may just sound pathetic, but it's important to me. I date and once and a while fall hard for guy.

Dude #1: I don't even know what I was thinking.

Dude #2:  He was taken - he had a kid - he was cheating!

Dude #3: The guy I AM in love with

In the time that I've been a blogger, If I actually blogged about the guys I've ''fallen hard'' for, you would have heard the same thing I said about Dude #3- How "I'm absolutely in love with him, I'm going to marry him one day, we're going to have pretty babies, doesn't my first name sound perfect with his last?" Then a few weeks later you might have read "we were so perfect, we're meant to be for each other. I'm always going to love him. I don't think I'll ever be happy again." I think I've cried about each of them. Let me sum the tears up in just a few words...

Dude #1: for real WHAT was I thinking!?

Dude #3: Ok he was SO CUTE and FUNNY but this would have never worked out.

Dude #4:  Real reasons to cry.

Do you see the trend?  I once was convinced dude number one and two were the ones for me. I believed I loved them and believed I felt the feelings I have for dude number three for them. I didn't. I didn't love them. I was blinded.

Dude #3 IS SPECIAL. We grew apart and our relationship ended and he's moving far far away in one week, but I still haven't given up hope for us. I'm praying he gets in trouble with the law or something forcing him to stay in the City I live in. I'm praying for a miracle. The thing that makes dude #3 absolutely different from the others, in a way that I can write about him in my blog and not regret this looking back if the worst happens. The thing that makes him different and not part of the "what was I thinking" trend is that I honestly loved him, I wasn't blinded. What we had was special. In my heart he'll forever be my bunny and I'll be his muffin/pumpkin. I'll always have the memory of going to his work late at night thinking how sexy he is in his mechanic uniform. I'll always have the memory of us laying on his bed cuddling, play fighting and kissing. But my absolute FAVORITE memory I'll have is a couple weeks after our story first began. We were on a bench at his job - he took his hands in mine and we started talking about kids and marriage. It was awkward in a way of innocence. If it wasn't a couple weeks into it, I swear that would have been the perfect proposal. In that moment, I was certain we belonged together. Honestly, I still am. But life seems to being proving differently. I don't know what happens next. Where will I be and where will I go after he leaves? Besides being broken. Calling this a rant about a heart break would be an understatement because this isn't. If anything this is a rant about the first boy I ever truly loved. This is a rant about my first real relationship. My point is, whether this entry is me stating the sadness of the end or the sadness of an obstacle I will later include in my fairy tale story, This is important to me. This chapter is important to me. The first boy I've ever truly loved will always be important to me. This entry and part of my life is here to stay.

A Letter to Baby Heather

Baby Heather is something I've always been called by family members (no matter my age), because I am the baby. I like that people still call me that because in a way it makes me feel the love I felt when I was little. I was always loved unconditionally by my family. I decided to do what Alana did and write a letter to my younger self. No mine isn't as put together as hers. I swear she would be great at writing a book! Just by reading that entry I can tell her writing is so thought out! Anyway.. Back on topic! I'm linking up with her and writing a letter to myself!

Dear Heather,

    

    The funny thing about writing this letter is that even though I'm you from the future, I want to write this with much respect. I want to write this in words that you will understand. I want to write this how I would write this to any little girl. Although in recent years, I constantly beat myself up about certain things, this is what you deserve. A letter that's heart filled and not as cold as I sometimes treat myself.

    

    Up until 9 years old, you're life is what every little girls should be! So do what you're doing and enjoy every part of it. Enjoy every cook out and every birthday party with friends and family. Enjoy the boat rides with family, Enjoy the slumber parties. Enjoy the vacations, going to Disney world and New York. Admire and await the holidays all year long because they are always so magical. Give unconditional love to your mom and dad. Yes you should most definitely favor your mom for spoiling you, but don't forget to be the daddy's girl you are. Because one day the motorcycle rides, going to work with him, going to feed the birds at the park, and all the great stuff he did as a dad will be something you remember most. Although things go down hill and family will fall apart, none of that will eventually matter. You will forgive. And the childhood memories will matter the most. One day you'll look back at these times and see nothing but pure perfection. Let me tell you - even though you know this - even though you've never doubted this, your mom and dad will always love you unconditionally and have never stopped.

    

    Next you'll learn how much can happen in just a few years. You'll learn about addiction. You'll learn about and have to go through a lot more then any kid should have to. You'll realize that you, mommy and daddy are no longer the three musketeers. Mommy finds someone new, someone great. So don't let that worry you. He'll let you practice driving his car, he'll practice for cheerleading with you, he'll even let you do his make up!  Daddy will move to New York to help grandma in her last few years of life. Daddy will bring his mom happiness.

    

    DCF is introduced to you when you're 9. They thought since mommy and daddy had an addiction, that they weren't being good parents. But they were always parents before anything else. But the addiction needed to be stopped. For three and a half years you moved from home to home. City to city. But don't let this frighten you because you're brave. As you and daddy will always say "you're a big brave dog" (Chuckie from Rugrats). You were able to meet new people in a way that the older you doesn't know how. You were able to trust and believe. It took a while for mommy and daddy to get help, but they did. Mommy made a choice and daddy had no choice, but they were saved from drugs. 

    

    You're life finally becomes settle when you move in with you're mom and the guy you eventually look at as your step dad. You're almost 14 at this point and starting High School. Should I even mention the awkward days of middle school? Let's leave it at one word. "Phases". But hey, don't beat yourself up over this. You were going through a lot. Okay so at 13 almost 14, you move to a new City. Start High School with people you've never even seen. But all and all you will feel at home. This will be home for the next four and half years! You're going to do just fine in High School. For the most part it will go smooth. Without any serious drama that you hear about. Or maybe there is drama but it wont bother you because the worst is over now. You will be happy. You will have great friends and you will be gorgeous! Trust me. You'll realize EVERYTHING happens for a reason. That's why you're so calm and have a good outlook on life. That's why you become so carefree!

    

    You're probably wondering about your love life right about now.. Well, let's just say through High School there will always be someone you're crushing on. Someone that you straighten your hair and put your make up on for every morning. Someone you'll try and look hot for even while wearing your school uniform. These crushes like you too but being that you like what you can't have, you stop liking them and move on to the next. Thank God for that too because you wont experience a serious heart break. Which the older you must say is pretty painful.

    

     After High School you're first real regret will happen. Then your second real regret will happen. After High School you will be forced to move away. Move away from your life and your friends. Your best friend and you continue to be best friends but eventually grow apart. In this new or you can say old town, you'll attempt college, but you'll wonder if it's really for you. You'll jump from job to job but eventually you'll stay at a job for longer then three months which makes you proud!

    When you're 19 you'll get some horrible news about daddy having lung cancer. When you're 19 things will sometimes feel like they're falling apart. When you're 19 so much will seem catch up to you and depress you. I'm making nineteen sound horrible, aren't I? It's not because in a way these breakthroughs will feel like you're breaking out of a depression that's unknowingly been there all along! The tears will only bring a great feeling of happiness afterwards. At nineteen you slowly, painfully, but surely become a better person!

    When you're nineteen you'll also meet a boy who you consider your first real boy friend! You'll get a few months of happiness. You'll love him. The relationship wont last though. You lose contact with him. But it wont leave you bitter. Instead you'll be happy just knowing he's okay. Because after everything you'll still believe everything happens for a reason!

Love, YOU from 2012!

Blog Outlook and Apple Chips!

When I first made this blog, I was all into cooking new recipes. Wow, that was almost a year ago! See..

According to this count down thingamajig, in a few more days it WILL be a year. In 2011 when I first started blogging, I was nonstop into blogging. I spent late nights reading blogs and thinking of blog topics, but I always felt bad about it because I wasn't the best blogger. I only posted fifty-something times in all of 2011. It's only February and already I've posted forty something times. Obviously, I've become better in the blogging world. But really, What does it mean to be better in the blogging world? Recently, after almost a year of having a blog, I've realized the whole concept of blogging for yourself. Today is the day I start blogging for myself - no more feeling pressured to write posts that appeal to others. No more with holding my thoughts and feelings because of the thought it will make or break someones opinion of me. From now on I'm going to only blog for me and type up these little posts from my heart <3 now let's begin again. When I first made this blog, I was all into cooking new recipes, I stopped for a while just like I stopped being a so called good blogger. On my 101 in 1001 one of my goals is to make at least 10 new recipes! It's not too difficult to find new recipes thanks to Pinterest! I swear if I were rich and had the time, I would be making everything I see on there. I did make something I saw though...

Source: vittlesandbits.blogspot.com via heather on Pinterest

Can you say apple chips?

I love dried fruit - I recently had dried apples for the first time. There were chunks of them in this apple cranberry Quaker cereal I tried. I went through the whole box picking out the dried apples. I was addicted. There wasn't too many though! So I bought a bag of dried apples and ate the whole bag in two days. My favorite kind of dried fruit would probably be bananas! So yummy. When I saw these apple chips, I had to re-pin. I wrote down and bought the ingredients to make these! There's only four things you need to make these...  

• Two apples of your choice.
• Two tsp of sugar
• Two tsp of cinnamon 
• Canola oil spray

Here's a picture of my apple chips in the making - They ended up being really good so I totally recommend, of course!

1. ) Preheat the oven to 200 degrees
2. ) Thinly slice your apples. If you don't own a mandoline (like I don't), use a sharp knife (like I did)
3. ) Arrange the apples on the baking sheet. Space apart evenly. Spray with cooking spray.
4. ) Combine the sugar and cinnamon into a small bowl - put mixture into a sieve and sprinkle evenly on your apple slices.
5. ) Bake the apples for about two hours or until dry and crisp.
6. ) Remove from the oven and let cool completely before putting them into a sealed container for three days!!

Bunny Job, Hair, Blah

Yep that's me, one of the Easter bunnies at the mall. Don't laugh. I work on the set too but between people calling out, and the one girls hate for wearing the costume. I kind of got thrown into playing the bunny! But that's okay. It's 75 more cents an hour than I make working on set. The costume really is one big sweaty mess but the kids excitement when they see the bunny is absolutely beautiful. This job will be ending on Saturday. I'll miss it. It's been really fun.

I dyed my hair dark. I miss my blonde hair but my dark roots were getting over barring  So many people have said they like it like this, but it just doesn't feel right. I'm slowly starting to get used to it though.

I've been feeling out of it. I don't know whats wrong with me. My heads not here and everything just looks like a big blur. Yesterday I wasted a half tank of gas driving around not knowing where to go. I ended up stopping at the mall. Walking from one end to another. I didn't want anything. I don't know why I went but I went. I ended up buying chick-fil-a. And sat in my car eating it. I wasn't even hungry. Then I went thrift shopping. I don't even need more clothes. But I ended up buying. I haven't been talking in my happy bubbly voice. I've been talking. . normal. I haven't smiled either. Unless I forced it to be nice. I usually smile and laugh at everything. What's wrong with me? :-((

Japan has Emotionally Affected me

Hey ladies so I have a lot on my mind today. The Japan earth quake, tsunami, then explosion, has really taking a toll on me. Not a few, not a hundred, but THOUSANDS of peoples lives were lost! Natural disasters have been happening a lot these last few years. So many lives have been taking and my heart breaks for all of them and makes me wonder what there is to come. I cant help but think my time is almost coming and it's scaring me. I'm not ready to go & neither were those people. It all makes me realize how short life is. ANY second we could all be gone. And I'm really hating that any second I can be gone and I haven't accomplished anything thus far. I've never even been in love :( I don't want to die a lonely woman and that makes me feel selfish. I don't want to die a lonely woman while all those lives were taken, I'm pretty sure they didn't complete everything they wanted to as well. But unfortunately it's not our choice! The things we get while we live isn't our choice either. Everything is in Gods hands and if God wants us to die a certain way, then that's how we'll die. If God wants us to live a certain way, then that's how we'll live. I keep writing a sentence of what I want out of life, but I also keep deleting it because It's just selfish to want while people who never got, are gone. Does this mean that we shouldn't waste our life wanting? Maybe we should just do. Be spontaneous while you can. Let everybody that you love, know you love them and If you like somebody, don't play games, be with them. Because not everybody gets the honor of companionship while they live. Tell people how you truly feel. If you have something to say, say it. But NEVER EVER say things to people that, if something happened to them, you'd regret. I finally understand the saying "live like you're dying" because we don't know when it will be OUR time. In a blink of an eye, everything can be gone. Today's society has become selfish, money obsessed, disrespectful and pure evil. So many people's life motto is probably "no regrets" which is just SELFISH. Unless you've told everybody you've hurt that you're sorry and proved it, then you better have regrets and we all have somebody to tell we're sorry to, because if we didn't life wouldn't be as out of control as it is today. If we all could do this as an individual then our society would be a lot better as a whole. So please everybody live today like its your last day. Treat others with respect because in this universe, all we have is each other and the way we treat others is what makes our life! And if something happens to us, as it did in Japan, I'm pretty sure you want your last thought to be "no regrets"

My First Post

I decided to create a "more entertaining" blog since the one I already have is more of a diary. I hope that one day I have 392,483 followers BUT if I don't at least I'll have fun creating it. My current thoughts include money and traveling. As you may or may not know I recently quit my job to focus more on school because doing both was so overwhelming for me, but now I'm asking myself why I walked away from the mula! No regrets, though! One day I'll have all the money in the world to travel since I quit. I will now be able to focus on my classes and get good grades which equals future success! Woo. Oh how I wish I could travel now though -sigh- As for now, I'm going through blogs and looking for interesting people to follow! Alright, well I have school bright in the early AM and should be getting some beauty sleep! Peace out girl scouts!