Monday Motivation [From my heart]

I've started a restricted calorie diet - If I do good until next Thursday then I'll buy a new phone as a reward. Today I woke up with motivation. I usually have to convince myself to do good. I still want to be at my ultimate goal weight by August, when I turn 20. Current motivation.. Hm, do you know who Portia de Rossi is?

you know, Ellen's wife! I didn't know who she was until a few nights ago and apparently she went from 130 pounds to 80. She had an eating disorder of course, that she overcame and became healthy again. But you know, a true eating disorder is never overcome. No matter how healthy and beautiful a person may be after the fact, their weight is something that will always be a deal to them. Whether it's a minor or big deal, a eating disorder is always there. Mine is anyway. Yeah I'm one of them. Don't freak out! I'm not trying to starve myself or make myself sick anymore, these posts are to keep motivated in a HEALTHY way. But of course my ''disorder'' has never gone away. I guess that's why I even post these. My weight is something I think about CONSTANTLY. It always has been since I was a little girl. I truly admire people like Portia who were able to stop and be healthy! I stopped and gained weight. I stopped and felt like everything went downhill. I stopped and have been on a constant up and down battle to become healthy again. I have no further knowledge of her story but I did order her book online last night. I'm excited to read it. 

I don't really have a steady source of inspiration at the moment because things go through my head constantly. One moment I could be thinking of a reason I really really want this but the next there's something else that's the reason. I guess my true intentions have always been for modeling. I did some modeling when I was 15 and ever since and before that, it has been a dream of mine. To have a body like a model and just be perfect. When I watched Black Swan and Natalie Portman's character said how she wants to be perfect, I could not relate more. That scene, that small scene touched me the most. I know this must sound superficial and I am truly sorry and I don't want you to think bad about me. I am just a girl trying to live a happy life. Goals to improve myself make me happy.