Aug 5, 2012

I go back to December all the time... RIP daddy

It was so magical.. Daddy was so sick from the chemo/cancer, but he ran down that ramp just to give me a big hug when I arrived to his little house in New York. This memory is so close to my heart, December is so close to my heart that the realization that it's already August hurts. It was the first time I had seen him in two years. I didn't go up to see him the last two summers like I told him I would. I didn't realize time was limited. I miss December. As I write this, my throat feels so tight as if I'm trying to talk, but I'm not. December feels like just yesterday. No December isn't the last time I saw him, but the last great moments we spent together. He passed in May.. He was laying in his.. I fricken hate this word.. death bed when the impossible happened. He opened his eyes, looked at me and said "My babys here!!" then he was out again.. then a little later he opened his eyes and mouth one more time to say "I love you too baby" to me. His last words, he layed in that bed.. and passed a few hours later. It was FRICKEN TORTURE listening to his lungs fill up with fluid and seeing him curled up because his spine was wasting away. It was fricken torture seeing his full head of hair gone to only a little. it was fricken torture watching my daddy go.. I wasn't there when it happened. My cousin was, I couldn't walk into that house at 3am to see it either and no that doesn't make me a bad person. I just couldn't go in.. He was my dad, he was gone. Instead I stood on that ramp, that ramp he limped down in December. Even in May, it was freezing. But I stood there stiff. Like I had to be some brave girl. When I was little and we'd watch the Rugrats together , we took this line that Chuckie said about going down the big kid slide "big brave dog" and used that line when I would cry. Daddy would tell me it would be OK and to be a big brave dog.. I just want it to be December again. December of 2011 again. Please let me go back in time. No, he's not suffering anymore, but he should have never had to suffer in the first place.. Daddy, I miss you :( everything was so perfect in December. My life was so perfect in December. That boy I told you about when I was visiting, and I were doing amazing in December and I got to be with you.. I got to hold your hand and give you that one last big hug promising that I would be back.. Dad, please tell me this is just one big nightmare. Please tell me ur still in that little house up there doing good waiting to watch movies with me again. Please promise me that you're going to beat lung cancer and that May 18th 2012 will never happen.. :( please. I love you.

December '11
He wore crazy doo rags to cover up his head and I wore grandmas shower cap
and this describes us. I was always his goofball. :(

1 comment:

Chelsea Coleen said...

Oh sweet girl. this really touched my heart. I am so sorry to hear about your father. But you can just tell how much he loved you through the way you talk about him. he is in a better place. a place where he is healthy and looking down on you. I am sure of it. my boyfriend lost his mother to breast cancer 5 years ago. Right about when we first started dating so I never got the chance to meet her. such strong people you two are. about 2 years ago I participated in the susan g komen 3 day for the cure and it was one of the most amazing experiences of my life - I would definitely recommend it. thinking of you and sending happy thoughts your way!